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April 2010

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Apr. 17th, 2010

Hopeless

I cannot remember the last time I felt happy, or contented...

Life is hard, so so hard now....... and I'm weak.............

I'm scared, and tired...

losing everything.....

Dec. 22nd, 2009

Ending

Dear myself,

Stop being stupid and let it go :)


It is impossible to miss what never existed :)

Nov. 7th, 2009

...

Mọi chuyện... thật sự là... ko ổn...

Jul. 15th, 2009

Is it time to put an end to everything?

I look back and see nothing
I look ahead and see the obscure future
I look at the present and see myself still alone...
Where would you be, in all of these?



I have the feeling that it leads nowhere, and I think either do you.
I know you are not the type of person who would waste time waiting and waiting. If you want something so much, you would do your best, sometimes even more, to get it. You have hardly done anything, that means you dont really want.
Also I know you would easily get disappointed, or discouraged once things don't go your way. As I keep dragging on, you lose your interest :)


Sometimes I want to be sulky, to be like [>:P] and see you trying to coax me, but how can I when we only talk once or twice a week? Now I get used to not having you around... Even when i need you, and miss you badly, I've learned not to count much on the chance of being able to contact you... :) After so many times of disappointment, I no longer hold out much hope...
Today I'm tired I dont even want to start a conversation. After all, why should I while all we talk about is Nothing, and Nothing at all... Feel like you are so so far away... dont know why... Is it you who are changing, or is it me...?


It seems pointless to write another email as you never reply... Most of the time I just cant figure out what is going on in your mind, cant understand you. Is it better I write it here, as someone may read and give me some advice...



Jun. 25th, 2009

Cây muốn lặng... mà gió chẳng ngừng...

5h30: Sự nhạy cảm thái quá vs những rung động nhỏ nhặt hay là niềm hi vọng mong manh về sự quan tâm vốn đã tàn phai cắt đứt giấc ngủ mới chỉ bắt đầu từ 2h sáng... Tin nhắn ko mong muốn. Rep 1 cách lịch sự. Kiểu như mỉm cười cho qua nhưng trong lòng dậy sóng...
Ngần ấy lần ngu ngốc, vẫn chưa chừa... Thì đành chấp nhận thôi chứ biết làm sao...

7h: Cơn đau quặn bất thường và những suy tư ám ảnh, âu lo thảng thốt. Dậy. Bật lap. Bật nhạc. Được khoảng 10p thì tắt. Ko thể chịu nổi. Cảm giác gây gây rã rời vì thiếu ngủ. Bụng vẫn đau thắt... Mà tự dưng muốn cơn đau cứ dài mãi... mãi... Một cơn đau phải chăng là lý do chính đáng và hợp lý nhất để cầu xin chút lòng thương hại ở đâu đó...?
Ấy thế mà đứng lên đi lại 1 lúc lại hết đau... Ngang trái chưa... có lúc muốn đau cũng chẳng đc...
Mình đâu phải thứ đồ chơi để người ta ném qua ném lại... Thik thì nhớ đến ko thik thì vứt xó cho nhện nó giăng tơ...

8h
: Thì đành cố ru mình vào giấc ngủ chứ sao... Ngủ để lấy sức cho 1 ngày dài... Cố gột sạch những suy nghĩ ra khỏi đầu, cố trống rỗng, mà không nổi. Trằn trọc. Chập chờn...

9h
: Và biết mình ko thể cố thêm đc nữa. Và khóc. Nước mắt cứ thế chảy dài trong im lặng.
Mệt. Lo. Sợ.
Thất vọng. Bất an. Bất lực.
Thấy mọi thứ cứ lần lượt tuột khỏi tay mình. Chưa bao giờ lại nhận thức rõ ràg về những kết quả ko mong muốn như lúc này. Về mọi thứ...

9h30: Bắt đầu ngồi viết những dòng này. Tự dưng lại nhớ lời a Thái, cuộc sống giống như đồ thị 1 dao động điều hoà và mình đang trên đường đi xuống...



Và ngày hôm nay sẽ là 1 ngày dài ko mấy bình yên.... Và sẽ lại khoác lên mình cái public mask kiểu như: "I'm fine. It's not a big deal..."


Mặt trăng rốt cục cũng chỉ là viên đá...
Có phải kiểu người như mình dễ làm đau người khác...?
Tags: , ,

Jun. 21st, 2009

And it's not you again...

[Composed on Sat evening]

I'm here tonight, texting with another guy and acting so indifferently in our conversation that it quickly comes to an end after only a few rounds of talk :)
So what? I don't know (I DO care but I just can't figure it out)
Am I too demanding? Demanding but try to hide it away hoping u, by one way or another, may understand. I know I don't have the right to ask for anything from u, so I don't. By that way I sometimes get hurt, quietly :) I may look at myself in the mirror saying it's your fault, but I am clearly aware that you are not to blame. The more hope I hold out, the more disappointment I should dare to suffer, that's so fair, right? :)

And these days I appear to lose the feeling I've had while thinking of u :) It's just like... some other people seem to enlighten my day when u don't. Let's say, half of the time with you is great, the other half, i'd rather spend with some other guys who are less cold and rude than you, who always reply my messages; they may reply after 6h, but i know that they always do [oh yeah, demanding again =))]




[Added on Sun morning]
12am last night I was voice chatting with a guy (to be honest I like his voice so much :)) better than yours really :">) 1am I was texting with him, around 2am I sent u a sms that u've never texted back... And right now I'm chatting with another guy =)) Ironically, they both make me feel better than being with you and your "straight face :|" So what? :)) I've thought that I would feel a little bit, let's say, guilty. It seems like unfaithful, right? But then one question popped up in my mind: "Why should I feel guilty?" Yeah I absolutely don't need to feel guilty. Because, after all, there is nothing between us. I've re-read our archive several times and found nothing to assure me of an affair (well in fact there IS something, but somehow it seems so fake that I don't believe it's real. Do I always lack the belief?) I see that I'm not your girl and you're not my boy. U may flirt with other girls (others would say i'm suspicious thinking so, but I know u do :) Flirtation is in your blood and I still have no right to change it), so why can't I spend time with other boys? :)) That's absolutely perfectly normal :> The fact is I don't ever flirt with them. I make it clear that they are just there to bring me fun and comfort. I shouldn't feel bad, just feel fun :> Ehh feel like i'm an idiot accusing myself of sth i've never done 8-} :))

[I've told a friend of mine that my relationship status on facebook should be re-written as "It's complicated", but, is it better as "Single" so that others think I'm available? >:) I'm actually still in search of the right one :"> :)]



I've always wanted u to write to me, an email or even just a note, saying what u really feel about everything, about me, about us. I wrote to u twice but u never replied. In our talk u once mentioned those mails, but only made some trivial remarks that mean nothing at all. What I want to know is how u feel. I know that you're busy this time and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable by asking you to write [I don't even know if you hate writing and emails :))], but I'm tired of guessing and alone trying to understand you. Do I deserve u and do u deserve me? Where can I find the answer for those 2 questions...


I guess the theme song for this entry should be "I don't love you - My chemical romance". In the lyrics I want to pick up 1 line: "You're still, the good-for-nothing I don't know" :) Maybe we're both too logical for an affair...


* I don't ever want to show u this entry, but somewhere deep inside me secretly hopes u can see it, and read it [though I believe even if u saw it, u would never have enough patience and attempt to read through such a long English writing :)) ] Yeah feel like an idiot again... :)

♥.Bee.♥
Tags: ,

Jun. 10th, 2009

[Archive] Bono

Today I want to post some excerpts from my message archive with a guy, a classmate of mine. He is very special, I mean, not to me, but towards everybody :D He is somehow-weird, somehow-cold, somehow-difficult-to-get-along-with and somehow-I-can't-describe :)) Well honestly I dont really like his ways, but maybe he is just like me, too deep (or complex?) for anyone to understand. I have hardly ever talked to him in class, we've chatted only a couple of times, but some parts of those conversations are really my cup of tea :P

Bono: why are you always busy, when you're online ?
Bee: it's not that
Bee: maybe u r always onl when i'm busy

Bono: well...
Bono: not actually
Bono: because
Bono: there were somedays
Bono: in the past
Bono: that i've been online whole day and night
Bono: and saw you busy all the time you were onl
Bono: (don't tell me that's an excuse for not letting someone talk to you ^^)
Bee: that's an excuse for letting only someone talk to me
Bono : nice



[This part, he was talking about me :"> At first I didnt know that fact, I assumed it was about another girl:)) Well in fact, he kept talking and describing  "that girl" and his feelings and all what I did is asking some f*cking stupid questions =))]
Bono  that "someone"
Bono: suddenly turns
Bono: a little bit "cold"
Bono: no
Bono: that's not the word
Bono: must be that
Bono: she suddenly becomes... calm
Bono: for example
Bono: when in grade 10
Bono: she was playful, funny
Bono: ...joking all the time
Bono: being a lovely bunny
Bono: but in grade 11
Bono: she gets sterner, more ...
Bono: should i say ..'more austere'
Bono: means more feminine
Bono: more sublime
Bono: and one day you suddenly realized it
Bono: that she looked at you with a strange eye
Bono: talked to you in a really indifferent tone
Bono: (but ... nice tone, women's tone)
Bono: and you too, suddenly
Bono: feel something else new.....



[And then I mentioned another guy, "that guy":)]

Bee  i know how it feels when sb does hurt u but u cant hate him/her
Bono: oh.
Bono: ..
Bono: how did that one hurt you?
Bee: by some ways
Bee: he doesnt mean that
Bee: i believe
Bee: well
Bee: when it does happen
Bee: i may feel hurt
Bee: n i hate him
Bee: at this time
Bee: but then
Bee: after some time
Bee: i cannot hate him any longer
Bee: with others
Bee: it's not often THAT easy to forgive

Bono: you mean
Bono: you loved him ?
Bee: do i love him?
Bee: that's the question i try hard to answer
Bee: but up to now
Bee: the answer is still somewhere i haven't found



[Like these sentences very much =)]

Bono: hmm
Bono: i've always
Bono: wanted the water to be clear
Bono: without cleaning the pool
Bee: then u r just like co Ta^'m wanting o^ng Bu.t to appear




[This part kept me thinking a lot :)]

Bee: sometimes
Bee: it's enough to care about just 1 person

Bono: and that one person
Bono: is he that caring and... loving
Bono: to have you care for him in the middle of SAT prep ?
Bee: i dont know
Bee: sometimes i think
Bee: he deserves more than that
Bee: sometimes less

Bono: ever ask yourself do you deserve him ?
Bono: or ponder real hard if he deserves you ?
Bee: yeah i keep asking myself those questions
Bee: no conclusion yet

Bono: you're a strange person^^.
Bee: i just care about him as i did
Bee: n happy to know that he cares about me too
Bee: i think that's enough
Bee: trying to make clear sth abstract is not a wise choice


[And this, also :)]

Bono: (i'm out of logic )
Bee: we r all out of logic in love
Bono: you are in love logically.
Bee: wht makes u think so?
Bono: uhm
Bono: you are logical.
Bono: you act logically.
Tags:

Jun. 9th, 2009

First entry

Hi guys :) And hi LiveJournal :p

So this's my own place... oh whoa... feel so free here :)) It's a little bit like talking with myself in the mirror, when I know I can speak out anything that is floating in my mind :D

I guess today should be call the "writing day", since I've written a lot: 1 yahoo360 entry, 1 letter (to him :p ) n now 1 entry on this page. Oh well I'm pretty worried about the letter I sent him...  wonder if the language I use is a bit rude, a bit harsh :-s I definitely don't mean so, whatever I usually say. I merely want to be honest to him, to try to put into words my real feelings... dont wanna lie, dont wanna hide :) Yeah I have experience of relationship ending in either silence or hatred (well not really hatred, but very near this word :P) This time I want to take it slow, and take it seriously, or else I wouldn't have tried so much to sort things out in my brain and to think clearly and carefully. I don't count on it, don't hope too much about a happy ending like in fairy tales. I myself sometimes cannot imagine that I can be so calm and meticulous, and even logical in such a  relationship :)) But... Can't deny how often I miss him when he is not here :p Can't deny how important he is to me :P Can't deny how empty I will feel if it's over :p Hope he'll understand...

After all, what will come will come... Time will tell... :)
[ White roses]
♥.Bee.♥