[Composed on Sat evening]
I'm here tonight, texting with another guy and acting so indifferently in our conversation that it quickly comes to an end after only a few rounds of talk :)
So what? I don't know (I DO
care but I just can't figure it out)
Am I too demanding? Demanding but try to hide it away hoping u, by one way or another, may understand. I know I don't have the right to ask for anything from u, so I don't. By that way I sometimes get hurt, quietly :) I may look at myself in the mirror saying it's your fault, but I am clearly aware that you are not to blame. The more hope I hold out, the more disappointment I should dare to suffer
, that's so fair, right? :)
And these days I appear to lose the feeling I've had while thinking of u :) It's just like... some other people seem to enlighten my day when u don't. Let's say, half of the time with you is great, the other half, i'd rather spend with some other guys who are less cold and rude than you, who always reply my messages; they may reply after 6h, but i know that they always do [oh yeah, demanding again =))]
[Added on Sun morning]
12am last night I was voice chatting with a guy (to be honest I like his voice so much :)) better than yours really :">) 1am I was texting with him, around 2am I sent u a sms that u've never texted back... And right now I'm chatting with another guy =)) Ironically, they both make me feel better than being with you and your "straight face :|
" So what? :)) I've thought that I would feel a little bit, let's say, guilty. It seems like unfaithful, right? But then one question popped up in my mind: "Why should I feel guilty?"
Yeah I absolutely don't need to feel guilty. Because, after all, there is nothing between us. I've re-read our archive several times and found nothing to assure me of an affair (well in fact there IS
something, but somehow it seems so fake that I don't believe it's real. Do I always lack the belief?
) I see that I'm not your girl and you're not my boy. U may flirt with other girls (others would say i'm suspicious thinking so, but I know u do :) Flirtation is in your blood and I still have no right to change it), so why can't I spend time with other boys? :)) That's absolutely perfectly normal
:> The fact is I don't ever flirt with them. I make it clear that they are just there to bring me fun and comfort. I shouldn't feel bad, just feel fun :> Ehh feel like i'm an idiot accusing myself of sth i've never done 8-} :))
[I've told a friend of mine that my relationship status on facebook should be re-written as "It's complicated", but, is it better as "Single" so that others think I'm available? >:) I'm actually still in search of the right one :"> :)]
I've always wanted u to write to me, an email or even just a note, saying what u really feel about everything, about me, about us. I wrote to u twice but u never replied. In our talk u once mentioned those mails, but only made some trivial remarks that mean nothing at all. What I want to know is how u feel. I know that you're busy this time and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable by asking you to write [I don't even know if you hate writing and emails :))], but I'm tired of guessing and alone trying to understand you. Do I deserve u and do u deserve me? Where can I find the answer for those 2 questions...
I guess the theme song for this entry should be "I don't love you - My chemical romance". In the lyrics I want to pick up 1 line: "You're still, the good-for-nothing I don't know"
:) Maybe we're both too logical for an affair...
* I don't ever want to show u this entry, but somewhere deep inside me secretly hopes u can see it, and read it [though I believe even if u saw it, u would never have enough patience and attempt to read through such a long English writing :)) ] Yeah feel like an idiot again... :)